Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
