She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
