My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
