dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't turn off my feet"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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