Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
