That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
