I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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