I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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