why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
