I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
