He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
