I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
