Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
