I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
