I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize