I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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