I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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