the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
