Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
