You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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