I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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