you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
