i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
