Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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