can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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