There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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