my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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