i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just invented taco cereal.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
