don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
