I haven't been this sober since birth.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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