You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
