Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Found the puke drawer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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