I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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