You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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