I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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