i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
