My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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