I'm eating all of the evidence.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
