Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize