If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
