Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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