I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
