Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
