ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
