At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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