i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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