look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
