This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
