Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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