I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
