someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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