I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
