How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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