that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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