Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
