i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
our cab driver is having phone sex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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