This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
