I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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