my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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