I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
